Friday, 10 January 2014

Canophilist - 5 Weird Things Dog-Lovers Buy

Canophilia, Dog Clothes, Canophilist
A true canophilist's handiwork - dogs dressed as Princess Eugenie and Princess Beatrice (as I'm sure was obvious)
(photo and product by Pets Adviser)


Noun. Chiefly jocular. Late 19th century.
[Irregularly from Latin canis dog + -PHIL + -IST.]

A lover of dogs.

canophilia noun affection for dogs M20

Oh -philia words! How often you represent the worst, weirdest and most perverse sub-subsections of humanity; how often your profane syllables stimulate gushing nausea and loathing in the hearts of all but the most degenerate men! Thus, it was with profound trepidation that I stepped into the dark and eerie world of the canophilist, and now I fear that what I found there will never leave me, and know, dear reader, that should you continue travelling this canophilic post, the horrors that you witness here will never leave you; they will haunt your dreams when you sleep and infect your thoughts when awake; they will burrow into the very recesses of your soul and eat away at your heart, they will ... look, let me just show you and you'll find out, OK? Have a bucket on standby ...

Five Weird Things Weirdos Buy for Their Weird Dogs

Dog beer, Canophilia
Happy Tail Ale
If you've failed one of those "Are you an alcoholic?" type tests, specifically on the question "Do you ever drink alone?", what better way to express both your denial and canophilia than by buying your dog his very own beer? It's non-alcoholic, of course (because going to the expense and trouble of buying your dog real alcohol would just be so stupid), which means that, when Google invents a car-driving app for dogs, Fido can at least be the designated driver.

At What Cost? Your marriage

Umbrella for dogs, Canophilia
The Dogbrella
You wouldn't let your child walk in the rain unprotected, so why your dog? And while it might be tempting to sneer at the Dogbrella as an example of outrageous pampering of prissy pooches, it also stops the smell of wet dog assailing your nostrils and ruining a perfectly nice walk.

Find at Hammacher
At what cost? Your neighbours ever talking to you again

Canophilia, Pram for dogs
Happy Trails Pet Stroller
If you'd feel a little silly walking about with a Dogbrella (and who wouldn't?), then why not invest in a pet stroller? Not only will it keep your pet dry, it will also save him from walking (because we all know that dogs hate walking) and with your pet properly covered no will know you're being such a weirdo. Frankly, you'd be weird not to buy it ...

Find on Amazon
At what cost? About $80.00 and ever being able to look in a mirror again

Acme Rocket Costume
You're a funny guy, you have a great sense of humour, so let that humour shine every time you take your dog out of the house. While lesser dog lovers are dressing up their pets in old hat like Superman and Darth Vader costumes, your dog (and therefore you) can have a blast with this explosive little number. My only criticism of this product is that there's not a version for the owner ... one that actually works.

At what cost? About $47 and the local kids constantly trying to light your dog

Doggie Lover Doll
You're lonely - that much is understood. And with precious little chance that you'll ever meet a real woman, you're worried that your loneliness and social inadequacy is rubbing off on your dog. Help is at hand, however, from the whacky Brazilians over at PetSmiling who have created what they describe as "an anatomically correct" companion for your frustrated (male) dog. According to one website, dogs that found companionship with the Doggie Lover had a better quality of life, showing signs of "less anxiety, less barking, less territorial demarcation," with all the additional benefits to your household pillows, stuffed toys and table legs. Why not combine it with a pack of Happy Tail Ale to make The Ultimate Self-Loathing Gift Package?

Find at (email address)
At what cost? Your dignity, your dog's dignity, and the dignity of the entire human race

Are you a canophilist?

Would you buy any of the above products for your dog?

Have you bought any of the above products for your dog?

Schnauzer chance to get Sirius and make yourself herd in the box below.


  1. I am a canophilist - and proud of it!
    But people who buy the above nonsense are not! They're simply faddists! (My opinion only of course!)
    My 3 'boys' (two Newfoundlands, and a Great Pyrenees/collie cross) are highly offended! :)
    Dogs shouldn't be dressed up in anything more than a collar!
    I will admit to once to trying dog boots on my dogs, but that was only because it was around -20 to -30 C outside, and I was trying to protect the pads on their paws. But they wanted nothing to do with them. My macho dogs! :)

    I've been a mod on a dog forum for nearly 10 years, and I've seen lots of weird stuff in that time.
    Google any of these:
    Pet high chair
    Butt covers - good for a laugh!!
    Poop freeze
    Magic poo collector
    Fence window for dogs
    Nail pawlish.
    ....and many more!
    It's a huge money-maker, but they're not getting any of mine! :)

    1. Oh Jingles - I could have done a list of 50 crazy things people buy for their dogs - Twitter enabled collars, leashes with crosswords on them, thongs, nappies, feeding forks, hot tubs, self-enclosed doggie dryers, walkie-talkie collars (so you can talk to it when it's run out of sight), doggie translators, etc, etc, ad nauseam.

      While I don't claim to be a real "animal person" or a canophilist, to my credit I have rescued two abandoned puppies in my time. The last one was a Pomeranian, about four weeks old, and I have to tell you, Jingles, I was tempted that time! I can't abide any type of animal cruelty, and abandoning pets like that is just abominable.

      As for doggy costumes, however ... c'mon! Even a dog deserves its dignity.

  2. Hah! Brilliant. Happy Trails Pet Stroller, to take your dog for a walk without taking your dog for a walk. That's amazing.

    1. There's a point where one crosses a line in life - a line between quirky and individual and just been plain nuts. What if you never saw it, A.N? What if one morning you woke up, as if from a dream, and realised you take your dog for a walk in a pram? How would you carry on with your day?

  3. That last one...has haunted my dreams.

    And has led to some speculation about size guides for different breeds and all kinds of unwanted mulling over color choice and other considerations.

    For all this, Eddie, I blame you.

    1. Yes, there are different sizes of Doggie Lover, Katie. However, the size guides were on the same webpage as the "anatomically correct" photos, and I wasn't going to venture any further down that rabbit ... umm ... into the twilight zone.

  4. "Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies,quite unlike people,who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate."—Sigmund Freud.

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