|A true canophilist's handiwork - dogs dressed as Princess Eugenie and Princess Beatrice (as I'm sure was obvious)|
(photo and product by Pets Adviser)
Noun. Chiefly jocular. Late 19th century.
[Irregularly from Latin canis dog + -PHIL + -IST.]
A lover of dogs.
canophilia noun affection for dogs M20
Oh -philia words! How often you represent the worst, weirdest and most perverse sub-subsections of humanity; how often your profane syllables stimulate gushing nausea and loathing in the hearts of all but the most degenerate men! Thus, it was with profound trepidation that I stepped into the dark and eerie world of the canophilist, and now I fear that what I found there will never leave me, and know, dear reader, that should you continue travelling this canophilic post, the horrors that you witness here will never leave you; they will haunt your dreams when you sleep and infect your thoughts when awake; they will burrow into the very recesses of your soul and eat away at your heart, they will ... look, let me just show you and you'll find out, OK? Have a bucket on standby ...
Five Weird Things Weirdos Buy for Their Weird Dogs
Happy Tail Ale
If you've failed one of those "Are you an alcoholic?" type tests, specifically on the question "Do you ever drink alone?", what better way to express both your denial and canophilia than by buying your dog his very own beer? It's non-alcoholic, of course (because going to the expense and trouble of buying your dog real alcohol would just be so stupid), which means that, when Google invents a car-driving app for dogs, Fido can at least be the designated driver.
Find at Dog Star Brewing Company
At What Cost? Your marriage
You wouldn't let your child walk in the rain unprotected, so why your dog? And while it might be tempting to sneer at the Dogbrella as an example of outrageous pampering of prissy pooches, it also stops the smell of wet dog assailing your nostrils and ruining a perfectly nice walk.
Find at Hammacher
At what cost? Your neighbours ever talking to you again
Happy Trails Pet Stroller
If you'd feel a little silly walking about with a Dogbrella (and who wouldn't?), then why not invest in a pet stroller? Not only will it keep your pet dry, it will also save him from walking (because we all know that dogs hate walking) and with your pet properly covered no will know you're being such a weirdo. Frankly, you'd be weird not to buy it ...
Find on Amazon
At what cost? About $80.00 and ever being able to look in a mirror again
Acme Rocket Costume
You're a funny guy, you have a great sense of humour, so let that humour shine every time you take your dog out of the house. While lesser dog lovers are dressing up their pets in old hat like Superman and Darth Vader costumes, your dog (and therefore you) can have a blast with this explosive little number. My only criticism of this product is that there's not a version for the owner ... one that actually works.
Find at Lola and Rocky
At what cost? About $47 and the local kids constantly trying to light your dog
Doggie Lover Doll
You're lonely - that much is understood. And with precious little chance that you'll ever meet a real woman, you're worried that your loneliness and social inadequacy is rubbing off on your dog. Help is at hand, however, from the whacky Brazilians over at PetSmiling who have created what they describe as "an anatomically correct" companion for your frustrated (male) dog. According to one website, dogs that found companionship with the Doggie Lover had a better quality of life, showing signs of "less anxiety, less barking, less territorial demarcation," with all the additional benefits to your household pillows, stuffed toys and table legs. Why not combine it with a pack of Happy Tail Ale to make The Ultimate Self-Loathing Gift Package?
Find at firstname.lastname@example.org (email address)
At what cost? Your dignity, your dog's dignity, and the dignity of the entire human race
Are you a canophilist?
Would you buy any of the above products for your dog?
Have you bought any of the above products for your dog?
Schnauzer chance to get Sirius and make yourself herd in the box below.