Carminative - Total Eclipse of the Fart

CARMINATIVE

Adjective & noun. Late Middle English.

[Old & modern French carminatif, -ive or medieval Latin carminat past participial stem of carminare heal by incantation,

from Latin carmen, -min-: see CHARM noun, -ATIVE.]

MEDICINE. (A medicine) having the property of relieving flatulence.

Carminative - is there a more phonetically euphemistic word in the English language? Just as one's mind is enveloped in the smooth and inviting notions of carmen, calming and charm, the crude definition slaps us rudely across the face, just as might the carminative relief of the eponymous flatus. Carminative is a tragic, bathetic word. It was made to be beautiful, formed to be winsome, delicately moulded to bring a smile to the hardest lips and a sigh from coldest heart. But alas, it was not to be, and forever this delicately shaped word will be associated with fart medicine.

(Solo) yoga is, apparently, an excellent carminative
(photo by Peter Gerdes)

If it so happens that you've arrived on this page looking for relief from, let's say, some kind of congenital fart defect, do not fret or shift uncomfortably in your seat - there is no judgement here. Regardless of how many naff American comedies feel the necessity to squeeze a fart gag into the script just because their writers were too talentless to think of anything better to include, or how many congregated male youths think it's the funniest, cleverest thing in the world to shout "Hey guys! Get this!" before loudly releasing their flatus to an enraptured audience as if they were the first person to publicly break wind in the history of mankind, the fact remains that farting is just not funny. It's a natural and tragic biological process that afflicts all humans (yes, even the Queen), serving no other purpose than to degrade human dignity, give groups of mindless male buffoons something to entertain themselves with, and to pluck delicate, sensitive, precious words like carminative from our tongues.

CARMINATIVE

Let it R.I.P

Did you arrive here looking for advice on carminatives?

Do you too rue the loss of such a beautiful word?

Do please break cover, not wind, and comment in the box below.